I'm super selfish and have sloth-like tendencies which is why I decided this Christmas not to buy one single soul a present, but since you like to think you're a kind, caring person (even though you've been putting off your shopping in lieu of egg nog and sugar cookies and the hope that one slutty friend you have who always insists on dressing up like a Sexy Santa will bend over and flash her ass again), I'm going to help you out with some last-minute gift suggestions... things I would've bought my friends and family if only I weren't too drunk to make out the numbers on my credit card and hit "Add to Cart."
For Your Friend You Can Just Tell Is Really Bad In Bed:
The Karmasheetra!That's right: It's karma sutra on a sheet. It promises "no more awkward moments when you're not quite sure where to put those hands and feet!" Because that's always the issue... He puts his penis inside of me and then I'm like, "But wait! Where should my right foot go? On the bed? In the air? Behind my head? Behind his head? And what about my hand? And my butt? THIS IS SO CONFUSING; I'M NEVER GOING TO LEARN HOW TO DO IT RIGHT."
For Your Friend Who Likes to Drink & Leave the House Occasionally. And by "Friend Who Likes to Drink" I Clearly Mean "Me" or "You." Or something along those lines...
Sick of spending $8.50 for a warm beer in plastic bottle? Now you can sneak your drink of choice into football games, movies, the opera... work!!!!! Worried about people thinking you're fat? Just tell them you're pregnant while you get totally trashed on white wine. Best part? They'll never know! In fact, this would also make a great present for your friend who IS pregnant, but still likes to drink. Genius!
(Also, what I really like about this photo is the American flag in the background. I mean, what's more patriotic than secret drinking? NOTHING. THAT'S WHAT.)
For Your Flat-Chested Alcoholic Friend
A twist on The Beer Belly, only this one doesn't make her look fat. And you're totally OK with her having enormous breasts since you already know you're cuter than she is; plus, those huge boobs will deflate before the night is halfway over. She's *such* a lush.
(Also, um... HELLO BUTTERFACE!)
For Your Jewish Friends
Give them the gift of Christ this holiday season. Just sign the card "Your People Killed My Lord" to really drive the message home!!! This Jesus Bobblehead Doll nods his head knowingly to ensure a lifetime of guilt.
For Your Guy Friend Who Never Gets Laid
Now he'll have something to "think about" when he wakes up with Morning Wood. After all, this is "as sexy as an alarm clock can be. The buxom blonde dancer gyrates around her pole under the spinning disco ball." HAWT. He'll never have to wake up alone again...
For Your Friend Who's Obsessed with Looking Younger
Duh. Anal Bleaching Cream. "Look younger... everywhere." Enough said. Frankly, more people should care about the appearance of their assholes. Just because you can't see it doesn't mean the rest of the world should suffer...
And finally... my favorite.
The Gift for Everyone on Your List, including but not limited to: That one night stand who never called you back (show him what he's missing), your neighbor who complains about how loudly you have sex at 3 a.m. (a subtle explanation of what all the fuss is about), your children (so they can see how they ruined you), or even your boyfriend (make him wear it on those long business trips). I know The Boy's going to be very excited when he unwraps his Vulva Portrait Pendant...
Just sent 2-3 photos with a description of your vulva and you can have your very own vulva portrait pendant. "Never made with a mold!"
On second thought... maybe give the gift of vaginal reconstruction.
MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!
