Attack of The MUNI Pigeon

I am scared of birds. Really, really scared. And the thing is... Birds can sense this about me, so whether I'm sitting on a bench or walking down a city street, I can pretty much guarantee that a flock of birds will band together and swoop dangerously close to my head. In fact, I might as well just admit this now: If I am walking down the sidewalk and I see a large gathering of pigeons, there is an excellent chance that I will cross the street rather than risk walking within two feet of them. Because you NEVER know when they're going to decide to attack.

All of this being said, you can only imagine how I felt yesterday when I realized I was TRAPPED on the N-Judah with two men and A PIGEON. And no, I did not think it was funny when one of the men asked to see The Piegon's ticket. I was too busy hyperventilating and trying not to attract unnecessary attention to myself so that The Pigeon wouldn't notice me.

But then... then The Pigeon started walking towards me. Stopping only occasionally to stick his foul beak into the grooves on the floor to collect whatever crumbs earlier passengers had dropped. And since he was getting dangerously close, I did what any girl would do: I called my mommy.

My mother did her best to calm me down (by telling me that The Pigeon was more scared than I was, which was clearly a BIG FAT LIE), but then... then the pigeon walked RIGHT BY MY FOOT. And so I screamed. And when I screamed, The Pigeon started FLYING. So I hung up the phone and ducked and covered.

But the thing about birds is... THERE IS NO WAY TO PROTECT YOURSELF. You can't jump on your seat because they can FLY. And I don't care if you're covering your head: They can still LAND ON TOP OF IT.

Luckily, the train soon rolled into the next stop at King and 2nd Street and I immediately ran into another car. It must not have been The Pigeon's stop, however, as he stayed on...

My heart stopped racing about thirty minutes later, but here's the thing... It is quite clear to me now that MUNI will never be the same for me again. Much like the time when I was little and my brother read me the scene from "The Shining" with the dead naked woman in the bathtub, and I had to look through the crack in the bathroom door to make sure the bathtub contained no dead naked ladies for YEARS... I imagine my MUNI rides going forward will be something like that... Always checking for pigeons, knowing that at any point in time, one might decide to hop on my train, focus his beady little eyes on me... and attack.

Sorry the picture isn't better... I couldn't snap its photo when it was near me, as it was imperative that I remain fully secure in my "duck and cover" position. You understand, I'm sure.

Originally posted on my Vox blog.