I was looking over some old IMs and I think the advice I dole out to my best friends is totally worthy of a greeting card business. A few examples...
For recent break-ups:
He doesn't deserve you.
You deserve someone who is amazing and hot and likes to fuck a lot.
For drunken nights:
Sorry you got drunk and dropped your iPhone in the toilet.
You should turn it off and let it dry out.
That also kind of applies to your sex life. Just sayin'.
And finally - for women all across the world:
That better have been the hand job of the century.
Because I promise I never want to hear about you doing that again. Not ok.
You don't even want to hear the advice I give about random sex with strangers...
