Right when baseball season started, my mom's best friend, J. invited a group of us to go to a game with her and sit in a luxury suite. I'm a total whore when it comes to stuff like that (and by "that," I think I just mean baseball games, but it's possible I also mean fancy restaurants, sold out concerts, and 12-packs of Miller Lite), so I immediately told her to sign me up, even though I knew it would be me and a bunch of older-than-me women with children (also known to some as "mothers").
A few innings into the game, we'd taken approximately 30 photos of J. for her online dating profile. After all, there's nothing like a photograph taken in the luxury suite at a Giants' game to say, "I enjoy a casual Sunday with friends, but you'd better have a second home in wine country." The problem was, all of the photos seemed forced and unnatural.
"Someone needs to tell me a joke to make me laugh," J. finally said after the 31st rejected photo.
"OK!" I chirped, the first word I'd uttered since we sat down. "What's the best thing about fucking twenty-six year olds?"
J. gave me a puzzled look. "What?"
"There are twenty of them!"
I write this story only to share with you the wisdom I gained that April afternoon... Mothers, you know, women with children, do NOT appreciate pedophile jokes the same way you and I do.
Which, let's be honest, is just one more reason I should never procreate.