The intensity over last weekend's pre-season battle between the Niners and the Raiders started before I even got on the bus that would take me to the bus that would take me to Candlestick.
The Boy and I were in the Cole Valley liquor store mulling over which tallboys to buy for the bus ride/Candlestick parking lot, clearly a big decision that required a lot of back and forth that went something like:
Him: Kind of hard to go from mimosas at brunch to tallboys.
Me: We should just get High Life, the champagne of beers. That'll ease us right into it... OH MY GOD! Tallboys are only $1.99? That's AMAZING!
While I pondered if I wanted to get two High Lifes or mix and match with a Miller Lite, a guy wearing a Raiders' hat walked into the store, looked us up and down and said:
Douchebag Raiders' Fan: Shouldn't Niners' fans be buying wine?
I was too shocked to respond because, frankly, I didn't even think Raiders' fans knew how to find adorable little neighborhoods like Cole Valley; perhaps he got lost looking for Haight Street?
Fast foward an hour or so and The Boy and I were making our way to our gate, sipping our tallboys, when we see a group of Raiders' fans hovered over a guy who is more or less out cold on the pavement. That's right, the game hadn't even started, and the fights were already breaking out. We saw three ambulances with sirens on before we even went inside.
Come halftime, I was a few beers deep, so I made an executive decision I'd come to regret later: First stop, ladies' room. Second stop, beer. I got in the bathroom line, which extended well out into the concourse, and stood there minding my business and playing with my iPhone, when all of a sudden a girl with lots of eyeliner, way too much lipstick and head-to-toe Raiders' gear inserted herself in front of me and proceeded to get comfortable.
"Excuse me," I said. "Um... you just cut in front of me?"
The Raiders' fan turned around, looked me up and down and unleashed an attitude unlike anything I've witnessed since I escaped Mormon reform school in the early 90s (true story, only by "escape," I mean "finally got to leave after 14 months"). "Watch you talkin' about, CUT IN FRONT OF YOU? I was HERE already. You don't know whatchyou sayin'..."
This went on for, what I felt, was too long, so I just looked at her with an eerie calmness and said, "I'm sorry... but I don't speak that language."
Oh, to watch an angry Raiders' fan go from a 6 to a 10 in under two seconds.
"YOU DON'T WHAT?" she screamed and she stepped up closer to my nose and threw her hands up in a jerky motion I'm not sure I could repeat, much less explain in writing. "We ALL speak the same language, yo." Ok, maybe she didn't say "yo," but I'm having a hard time writing the dialect in which she was speaking or the slang she was using. "You need to shut the fuck up 'don't speak that language'."
It was at this point that her friend turned around (oops! looks like maybe she was there before me) and asked what was going on. (Something like "Wassup with this ho?")
"This bitch said she don't speak my language!"
"Don't speak our language?" the friend yelled... and also proceeded to get up in my face, hands flailing, booze screaming.
This went on for about a minute, all the while I kept my head down, mouth shut, eyes and fingers on the iPhone.
"Yeah, that's right you stupid bitch. Shut the fuck up. Don't talk. Don't speak our language. Fuck you."
At which point, because I have some anger management issues that I don't ever plan on dealing with, I replied, even more calmly and sing-songy than the previous time, "Again, so sorry, but I just don't understand what you're saying."
Within seconds, I had two girls inches from my face, screaming at me, guy Niners' fans who'd jumped into the argument screaming at them, and several yellow-jacketed security personel... all in the bathroom entrance vestibule.
Security Lady (arms out, back to me, facing the Raider's fans): "Ok, calm down, calm down. What's going on here?"
Raiders' Fan: "She said she DON'T SPEAK OUR LANGUAGE!"
And because that is the most ridiculous argument for anything ever... I was ushered into the ladies' room while the security officers and the Raiders' fan had a little chat.
Moments later, the entire stadium was cut off from beer due to unruly fan behavior... Just when I could have used one the most.
Luckily, The Boy made the first Douchebag Raiders' Fan's insult- and my dreams - come true by stealing a bottle of wine. I might have to keep him around.
Does that look like the face of a girl who'd get in a fight in the bathroom line?
UPDATE: I originally posted this picture - which showcases a boy on my right - when I had a 102 fever. Clearly, I was not in my right mind. I hope this modification remedies the situation and restores my readers' faith in everything I stand for.
Also: Thank you to Drew (and his brother Adam) for the sweet 3rd row seats. I hope the stolen wine was enough to repay you...
