Now, I never went to Spring Break when I was in college because, let’s be honest, I didn’t need to prance around a crowded beach in a skimpy bikini in order to rationalize getting drunk and making out with four different guys in two days. However, just because I was never lucky enough to lose a wet t-shirt contest in Cabo doesn’t mean I’ll be trying to make up for it by attending 2010’s SXSW Interactive conference. Don’t get me wrong, though…. This doesn’t mean it’s not one of my absolute favorite events… because it is. Right after Burning Man. After all, there are only two times a year in SF you can count on getting some peace, quiet and freedom from the geeks, hipsters and hippies: September (Burning Man) and March (SXSWi). The streets are free of bitter cyclists, the coffee shops are free of laptops, and you can go to Dolores Park without wanting to kill yourself (and by "yourself," I mean "everyone else")… It’s glorious. Truly glorious.
Anyway, all of these Twitter requests asking me to vote on people’s panels got me thinking about a few SXSW Interactive panels ideas of my own. With no further ado...
Hide & Seek 2.0
Do your friends need to tell the whole world where they are at all times? Did they cry tears of “now how will people know I have a life?” when Google shut down Dodgeball? Do they obsessively check in with brightkite, loopt and foursquare? Do you constantly get their annoying twitters announcing that they just ousted [enter geek’s name here] as the mayor of [enter played-out hipster coffee shop here]? Have they “named” their house/work/car/bathroom/bed/therapist’s office so that they can check-in whenever they go there?This panel will help you learn how to avoid getting caught up in the latest trend of broadcasting your whereabouts 24-7. I’ll discuss the merits of going on a date… and not telling anyone about it. Grabbing coffee with a friend… and actually enjoying her company! (Just kidding, I don’t "grab coffee"; I go to a bar and order vodka like a real alcoholic. You should too, but that's a whole other panel.) We’ll discuss how it’s okay to spend a night in your apartment… alone! How no one cares if you're at Target, Costco, or any store that sells cat litter, athlete's foot spray or shiny leggings and matching headbands. How you can go to the Apple store... and not tell a single soul. (Gasp!)
Please note: In order to attend this panel, you must leave all cell phones, laptops, cameras and other geeky devices at the door. Absolutely no Twittering, Blogging, Foursquare-ing, Flickr-ing, Texting etc. will be tolerated.
Dating 3.0
There are going to be a lot of panels this year about dating on the internets because, let’s face it, the internets are a tricky place for socially awkward people. I mean, how do you go out with multiple geeks who all know each other and work in the same industry and still check-in obsessively on foursquare? Should you add the new geekyfantastic boy as a friend on Flickr if you’re going to be posting lots of pictures of you and another geekyfantastic boy wearing DayGlo Ray-Ban sunglasses and “ironic” t-shirts with unicorns in Dolores Park? How many times a day can you @message your new crush on Twitter before people will start to figure out that you’re really hoping he’ll ask you out for Blue Bottle coffee and… the most important question for our generation:
When should you change your Facebook status from "single" to "in a relationship"?!!!
I can help you out with all of these questions and more and, hey! I might actually get you laid by someone who doesn’t even know what any of these things are. You’ll thank me when he leaves hours before the sun comes up and doesn’t spend the entire next day stalking you online and adding you as a "friend" on every social network across the web.Oh, and by the way, the answer to when you should change your Facebook relationship status? I’ll give you that one now. Never, you dumbass. Never.
