Here's the thing: I get that we're destroying the Earth. Global warming, greenhouse gases, deforestation, ozone depletion, air pollution, acid rain (although, is that even still a thing anymore?)... I get it. We're totally fucked. And I do my best, more or less, not to contribute to the inevitable demise of our planet. I recycle... (or at least I put all the bottles in a bag beneath my sink; what my cleaning lady does with them, no one really knows since I've never actually shown her where the recycling goes). I rarely drive my car (mostly because parking is so expensive and I'm drunk 95% of the time, but still, that counts). I barely use any electricity (except what it takes to keep my wine cold and my TV on). I've even been seen in the same outfit more than once. I mean, I care people. I care.
But, I mean, sure I say I care, but caring has its limits. I definitely don't care about the environment enough to bring one of those reusable bag things with me everywhere I go. Yes, in theory, they're a great idea. Except, well, I've never once remembered to take mine with me when I'm shopping. I mean, it's not like I know that I am going to the wine story every single day on my way home or something... Oh. Right. Well anyway...
My point is that, for whatever reason, every single store at which I shop full expects me to have arrived with my own bags. And yes, I (accidentally) have a handbag that doubles as a grocery bag in that it carries two bottles of wine and a bag of goldfish...
[interrupts blog post to show you the bag]
(I know, right? It IS easy being green after all!)
...but I don't think it's fair that people basically assume you'll always have your own grocery bag and look down on you if you don't. I mean, there are the rare occasions when I go to the store and buy more than just two bottles of wine and goldfish that night's dinner. For example, I was at the store the other night and I had four bottles of wine, two bags of goldfish, cookies and a piece of fruit or two. (Yes, I am lying about the fruit.) I plopped it all down on the counter and paid. The cashier returned my change and then just stood there. I put my change back in my wallet and then also just stood there. "Oh," he finally asked. "Do you need a bag?"
No, douchebag. I was planning on juggling my groceries while chewing gum and singing The Star-Spangled Banner, all the while balancing on a pair of glow-in-the-dark stilts and doing my multiplication tables. Yes, I need a bag.
And this has become par for the course. No one just puts your groceries into a paper sack anymore. You have to ask for one or be offered one. They just assume, 100% incorrectly in my case, that I'm willing to scoop everything up between my arms and walk four blocks while people judge me for eating wine and cookies for dinner. And fine, it's actually only a block from the store to my house, but that makes it sound like I should make do without a bag and pretty much ruins my entire point.
Anyway, all of this is a long way of getting to this story:
I was at Whole Foods buying my lunch. Whole Foods is only a couple of blocks away from my office so it's quite common to bump into co-workers while you're pretending to decide between a green salad or a heaping pile of fattening pasta. (I will say, one of the best things about Whole Foods is their opaque containers. It's a judgment free lunch environment. You could put 12 hard-boiled eggs and a side of refried beans in there and no one would be the wiser.) If you end up standing in the checkout line at the same time, it's also somewhat customary to wait for the person behind you to pay so that you can walk back to the office together.
On this particular day, I spooned a lemon grass chicken concoction over some white rice before hopping in the express line. I was standing there lamenting the fact that Whole Foods has the worst magazine selection ever (I don't give a shit about Yoga Life or Healthy Eating. Can you please just start stocking US Weekly, for the love of God?), when my CEO gets in line directly behind me.
We make small talk about work, sports, the weather, whatever until it's my turn to pay. The cashier rings up my purchase and I swipe my card.
"Would you like a bag?" she asks.
"Actually," I think about the lemon grass chicken sauce and imagine it leaking all over my dress. "Yes, I would like a bag."
She reaches for a paper bag, when my CEO says, eyebrows raised, "Oh. So you hate the Earth?"
That's right: "OH. SO YOU HATE THE EARTH."
In other news... guess who walked back to the office alone?
