Now that Google+ has made Twitter and Facebook totally obsolete, I figured I could finally post my list of Top 10 Things on Twitter that drive me absolutely bananas without actually offending anyone. Because, apparently, offending people is now something I care about? (No, not really.) (Also: that's how Google+ works, right? It makes all other social networks "ohmygod, sooooo yesterday?" I don't actually know because the whole thing is too much geometry for me and instead of making an effort to figure it out, I'd rather spend my free time sitting on the couch knotting friendship bracelets and watching "Pretty Little Liars" on ABC Family. Just like every other 30-something woman you know.)
Anyway, enough bragging about my amazing life, let me get to the part where I denounce yours.
See, here's the thing. I would never call my best friend and announce, “Wow, I just had the best cup of Blue Bottle coffee!” and that’s not *just* because I am not a weirdo hipster who orgasms when my coffee comes with a perfectly drawn can of PBR in the foam. No, it’s because I’m alive, and as a result, am unfortunately forced to interact with people on an almost-daily basis, and you know what I’ve learned about people? They don’t care about my coffee. Or my commute. Or my job. Or my vagina. (Okay, fine, they care about my vagina. Rather, they did before I got in a relationship and it shriveled up and died.) And yet, for whatever reason, with the invention of Facebook and Twitter, people now feel that they need to elucidate their friends and followers on the most mundane, and frankly, pathetic aspects of their lives.
Listen, Bob, we barely even spoke in high school, so I promise that I do not need to hear about how your daughter’s diaper smelled like rotting whale carcass. Also, you’re a man, so no one even believes you change your daughter’s diapers! Stop lying, Bob. Also: HIDE. UNFOLLOW. DEFRIEND.
And yes, I realize that the bitching about how people share stupid things we don’t care about (like their morning coffee) on Twitter has been done a bazillion times, but you know who hasn’t made a list of things she can’t stand seeing on Twitter? That’s right: ME. And since I follow people who bug me (NOT YOU, OBVIOUSLY) just so I can get a feeling of superiority when they tweet yet AGAIN about their emotions (Seriously, who does that? So gross.), I’m totally qualified to write a list like this.
So here goes. In no particular order.
SHIT PEOPLE DO ON TWITTER THAT THEY SHOULD REALLY STOP DOING RIGHT THIS SECOND. (PLEASE.)
1. Oh, you cleaned your apartment? Since you're tweeting about it, it appears you’ll be shocked to hear that no one cares! There's not one single soul who wants to hear how many hours you spent with a bottle of 409 in your hand unless, of course, you're tweeting about how you're trying to get the blood of a dead hooker out of your carpet. Also, why do you have carpet and not hardwood? Gross.
2. It's even grosser that you have carpet since you have a dog. And yes, I know. Your dog is cute. Your dog is silly. Your dog has really stinky farts. I get it: You love your dog. That’s awesome. But guess what? He doesn’t need his own Twitter account. SERIOUSLY. Unless your dog is actually a magic typing dog in which case, WHY ARE YOU NOT A BIZILLIONAIRE?
3. Along those lines…you love your baby. Not gonna lie, your tweets would be a lot more interesting if you couldn’t stand that thing, but since she’s over a decade away from puberty, you might as well come to terms with that fact that right now, all she can do is sleep and shit, and I promise you, no one cares. She's even less interesting than a dog!
Even worse is when you decide to speak for her. “My daddy is so great; he took me to the park today!” Listen buddy: You can tweet that your seven month old is thinking that, and you can even believe it if you want, but we all know that all she actually thinks about is her mommy’s boobs. Also, no girl ever says, “My daddy is so great,” unless he gives her a BMW for her sweet 16. That’s right, dude. Better start saving.
4. Oh no! Thoughts of expensive BMWs keeping you up at night? Can't fall asleep for the life of you? MAYBE IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE PLAYING WITH YOUR PHONE INSTEAD OF LYING IN BED WITH YOUR EYES CLOSED. Next time I can’t sleep, I think I’ll send a singing telegram to your house, which isn’t actually a parallel experience, but will definitely be super annoying—just like your 3 a.m. insomnia tweets.
5. Frankly, it's a little weird that you can't fall asleep, since you were home at 10 p.m. to watch "Top Chef" just like you are EVERY Wednesday night, but I'm not going to judge you. (Lie.) I do, however, want to be very clear that I swear to god, if you post who got kicked off immediately after the show airs one more time, I am going to move to the East Coast so I can see it before you and then invent teleportation so that I can come back to San Francisco at 9:58 p.m. your time and stand outside your home with a megaphone blurting out the name of the person who got sent home. And yes, I get that it might be hard to invent teleportation, but even if it takes me the rest of my life, it will be time well spent in order to punish you for doing something as egregious as putting a spoiler in your tweet.
6. And sure, I get it. You don't care what I think about your constant barrage of reality TV spoilers because you have real friends who are THE BEST! You’re the luckiest person in the whole world because ohmygod, they're the most amazing friends in the whole wide world. They totally get you and you just feel so close to them right now. BFFs 4EVA! You know what else? YOU’RE WASTED. Stop tweeting and do another shot.
7. And yes, I get it you don't even have to pay for the shot because, yet again, you’re at a super exclusive invite-only event and it’s the most amazing thing ever. You can’t believe you got to meet [C-list celebrity] and how awesome the goodie bags are! I mean, sure you already have a [highly coveted tech item] because you got one the day it came out because you’re you, but you can totally use another one that you'll put in a drawer and forget about. No, you should definitely keep tweeting about it because I’m pretty sure everyone loves a showoff. And don’t forget to mention that right after this, you have to hop on the red eye to fly to [exotic place] for work, but it’s fine because you totally got upgraded to first class. I know it’s super hard to imagine this, but some of us are always smooshed in the middle seat between a fat person and a drunk guy with a cold, so we definitely want to hear more about your free champagne. No seriously. GO ON…
8. Oh, go on? You don't mind if you do! Because, guys! Something amazing just happened. It’s so exciting! You couldn’t be happier! Life as you know it is probably going to change forever. But, "Oops, I can't actually tell you what it is!"
Here’s a tip: if it’s a secret, then shut the fuck up and stop tweeting vague hints that scream, “You should totally ask me what happened because my parents didn’t give me enough attention when I was a child.”
9. Speaking of attention: No one cares if your email in-box is at 6 million or six. We get it. You get a lot of email. So do we all. Sure, most of mine is from Neiman Marcus and Shopbop, but that still totally counts as email and yet you never hear me bitching about it. So don't bother announcing to all of your followers that you finally got your inbox down to zero, because I promise no one is going to show up on your doorstep with a bottle of Veuve and a cookie.
10. And finally! Now that you got all of that email out of the way, why not go on a run? A five mile run! Or yoga every single day for a month! Better yet, get up at 5 a.m. to meet with your trainer. Okay okay, I get it! Not only are you smarter and more efficient than I am, you're also in better shape! Good for you. Honestly, I hope you kick ass in your marathon. Just please don't make me read about it over breakfast while I'm dipping my donuts (plural) in coffee (Irish). Thank you for all that you do.
God, that felt good. Probably the only thing left to do is hit "publish" and then go tweet about it!
